Today got off to a bit of slow start. I found out the text I’d ordered was the wrong edition (my fault for not checking on the site I ordered it from), and the one I have is seven editions behind. So I have to make due, and order the current-gen one, which, while only 10 bucks roughly after shipping, is still me spending more money (a resource I have in quite limited supply right now).
I think I’m going to stop kidding myself into thinking I can run on five hours’ sleep. Three weeks of me trying and failing have proven otherwise. I’m going to go back to the strategy I had before of using sleep cycles to determine how long I sleep, and go for a nice, rounded six hours per night. Hopefully that’ll let me get up as early as I’d like and get the most out of the day.
A close friend of mine (the person I’ve actually known the longest and still keep in contact with who isn’t family) re-added me on Facebook today. When last we spoke, I got angry at her over some interpersonal stuff, and she deleted me from FB with little in the way of why that was the last straw. When we spoke again, we cleared everything up. She suffers from social anxiety, and has a tendency to shut down and disappear when someone she cares about is really upset at her. Given the type of stuff I write about on here, I couldn’t really be justified in blaming her. We made up, and things are good now. We also had an interesting conversation about what it is to admit to yourself that you struggle with mental illness.
There are a lot of social stigmas attached to MI, and despite being a socially active generally aware person, it’s still easy to fall into the stereotypes. I was afraid to admit to myself that I had some pretty major cognitive and emotional issues, probably even MORESO because I’m a psych student. I’m supposed to help OTHER people with that stuff, right? I couldn’t possibly have it. Somehow I tricked myself into thinking that if I had enough knowledge of the biology behind it, I would be bulletproof against the aspect which stems from unhealthy thought patterns. Yeah, right. I’m realizing more and more that there is a REAL dichotomy between the limitations of knowing neurobiology and being able to counsel and understand the emotional-cognitive aspects that underlay harmful thought patterns. They’re just… SO entirely different, and to even chart the relationship one has to the other is so much more complex than we even are at this stage of scientific study. I mean, part of me has to MARVEL at just how labyrinthine the human brain is that we’ve barely even scratched the surface, despite the incredible amount of knowledge we possess in the Psychological Sciences.
I guess I used that illusion that biology is one and the same with cognition to try and distance myself from identifying as someone with an MI. Given my proclivity for finding ways to make excuses and a previous tendency to not try my hardest and persevere as much as probably could… I was afraid if I acquired the identity of “someone with a mental illness” I’d use it as an excuse to not push myself. But I know now that my identity is not determined by an illness I have. Just like it’s not determined by a TV show I like, or the fact I’m into video games, or the fact I’m a psychology student. The whole is greater than the parts, even if some of the parts are still under repair.