I’m in a weird place right now. The past week, I abandoned all my tracking methods, all my time-keeping, everything, because it all got so confusing cross-referencing and tracking everything that I just kinda shut down from all the chaos. The scheduling and tracking was actually taking more effort out of me than getting the work done, and it was reflecting in just how much of the work I WASN’T getting done. I was (and still am) behind in readings for my classes, and got informed abruptly and unpleasantly that my average has dropped below Honours standards, and so was unable to take a number of courses I wanted to take.
At the same time, I’m becoming sick of my job. It’s not even that bad, but I just keep getting this pit of my stomach feeling that I’m wasting more and more of my life and energies there that I could be using for something else. Something that brings me at least a little bit closer to my chosen career. But as my academics have shown, my performance and productivity has almost next-to-no correlative relationship with how many hours I’m working. Last fall, I routinely worked 20-24 hours at work and pulled a high-seventies/low eighties average. If anything, having MORE time on my hands lends itself more to me choosing NOT to do something with it. I need that structure, which is suppose part of why I liked incorporating all of the planning/scheduling systems, because it gives me something of a scaffolding to build off of.
But now I’m just kind of back at square one. Rebuild that scaffolding from the ground up, guarantee myself 8-10 hours of sleep per night, cut down on my spending on any food that isn’t groceries and eat right… take advantage of the awesome social resources I now have to keep me motivated and working a little bit on my various projects everyday, Also, prioritization is a big thing I need to work on. I had a really bad habit of choosing the easiest tasks, getting those done everyday, and then leaving the big “I-don’t-wanna-do’s” undone until the last minute. I think getting the 8-10 a night, and going to bed early enough to afford me the ability to wake up early and get those out of the way before anything else.
I think as far as scheduling goes, I need to pick one system instead of half-assing it by trying to amalgamate the best of all the resources I draw from. Synergy is great, but as I mentioned in the first paragraph, the system becomes so bloated and overblown that it becomes a burden rather than a help. The frustration from all of this kind of manifested itself in a lack of discipline with my diet. I am loathe to look at my body composition for this month with all the ice cream and chocolate I’ve eaten. I’m a pretty terrible stress-eater.
Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of negative thoughts towards myself right now. Fat, lazy, incompetent, stupid, awkward… the whole gang’s in there today. Those thoughts tend to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, what with the junk food and not shaving for several days/haircutting. I could use a victory right about now.