I haven’t been able to focus on getting any work done in the past couple of days. I just get distracted so easily, or generally feel apathetic towards just about everything aside from going to the gym. Then I reflect on how little I’ve done with all the time I have throughout the day, how I’ve failed to get up early in the morning time and time again, and it just becomes this recursive loop of self-loathing and depression… it’s like, the fact that I’ve already failed in one instance is proof that it’s pointless for me to even try because I’ll just fail again. Seeing the words on the screen, I can recognize that this line of thinking is bullshit, but when I’m by myself and in the midst of whatever it is I’m dealing with, that negative inner monologue just seems so convincing.
It’s likely part of the reason why I’ve stopped updating this blog on a regular basis. I convince myself that I’m such a fuck-up that nothing will help, and so it’s futile to update this blog and reflect in the hopes that looking at my thoughts will help me sift through them and re-orient myself. I haven’t written… ANYTHING that wasn’t school-related in what feels like nearly a month. Once again, that same thought pattern kicks in: “You call yourself a writer? A writer WRITES. He doesn’t just sit on his ass and bitch about how he’s too tired, or doesn’t feel like it, or how he’s not good enough. You whiny, lazy piece of shit. It’s laughable to think that you imagine you could have a career in writing when you can’t even update a fucking BLOG on a regular basis.”
Just got distracted again. Fuck. I have to ACTUALLY keep reminding myself out loud to keep myself from surfing IGN or any of my usual time-wasting sites. I don’t understand why this is so difficult for me to do! I mean, I use an app that blocks sites on my normal browser, but I always seem to manage to find a way to squirrel my way around it and get my way to them anyways. *sigh* I’m beginning to think that no tool or pharmaceutical is going to cure me of this on its own. I do think that I need the latter, but I can’t allow myself to think that it’ll be a substitute for self-discipline and taking responsibility for the things that I need to do. It’s funny. I never really used to think about this in a political sense insofar as liberal or conservative values, but it’s kind of a useful analogy. Conservatives preach personal responsibility, drive, hard work and ambition, and most of all independence. Liberals preach empathy, altruism, giving people the tools, education and help they need. Coming back to my own mental life, it feels like those two sides of my brain have been battling it out for supremacy for a while with negative results.
Distracted again. Really? Anyways, back to the brain battle. I’m beginning to realize that going too far to either extreme hinders more than it helps. Being too mentally conservative causes me to beat the shit out of myself when I make a mistake, dismantling my confidence and bringing with it all the negatives that come with that. That being said, I need aspects of that conservatism. The knowledge that success will only come if I put in the time and effort, that no one can MAKE me do work, no drug can, no time management method, no schedule, no alarm, nothing. Eventually it all comes down to me making the conscious decision to sit down and do work. All the supplementary factors in the world only serve to make things incrementally easier, but nothing will make me cross that threshold if I don’t want to. Likewise, thinking too liberally makes me TOO forgiving of myself, and makes me adopt precisely the negative mindset I need that conservatism to rail against. “If only I had this I could work”, “I can’t focus, I need that”, “my writer’s block is killing me right now, so it’d be unreasonable for me to try and write.” Just… absolving myself of responsibility for my actions due to some trick of biopsychology. But at the same time, I do need to be able to recognize when I need help from others. When I can’t do something on my own, or when to stop pushing myself so far I begin to sacrifice my health or mental well-being.
Distracted for the third time. Jeezus. *sigh* Point is, I need to balance these forces out and take what I need from each of them, as WELL as controlling the external factors within my life. Aside from being put on the Zoloft, I haven’t really been taking responsibility for my mental health as of late. But the nice thing about Hume’s Problem of Induction is that the future need not resemble the past. I’m already in a better place right now than I am normally, having woken up early (I always feel better when I do). So now it’s time to take advantage of what I’ve been given and get to work, keeping all I’ve learned in mind. I’ll return tomorrow to write about how it went.